Every few months I find it hard to sleep. I toss and turn through the night, checking the clock to see if it is time yet. I’m anxious with anticipation. Why all the excitement you ask? Well, I’m looking forward to taking my temperature. Yep, it is exciting stuff.
You see for the past 2 years we have struggled with secondary infertility. Secondary infertility is the inability to conceive or maintain a pregnancy after having successfully done so before. So, every few months I find it hard to sleep because I want to see if my temperature stays up past my luteal phase, an early sign of pregnancy. As the day gets closer, the harder it is for me to sleep. The more I look forward to waking up to discover if this is our time. Wondering, “Will this be the month that we are blessed with another baby?”
But this post isn’t about infertility, it is about a conviction. My conviction. While in church, my mind began to wonder and something said brought me to my mornings. It made my heart sink. I began hearing questions in my head from a familiar voice.
“You don’t toss and turn because of Me. You’re not anxious with anticipation to be with Me in the morning. You don’t look forward to getting into My word. In fact, you dread waking up other days of the month. You rather just sleep in.”
His words hurt because they were true. All of them. And it leads me to the ask the question, “Why?”
- Why am I not so anxious to be with my Savior, who gave His life to be with me for eternity, that it wakes me up in the morning with anticipation?
- Why am I not looking forward to waking up to listen and see what He wants to share with me? (Because when I do, I’m always amazed by what He is teaching me.)
- Why am I not full of excitement to wake up and greet the One who never gave up on me, who stood by my side, who meticulously planted seeds in my life, so that I would one day know His great love?
God has sure left me with a lot to think about and to improve upon. But I am so gracious that my inconsistencies and selfishness doesn’t keep my God from loving me.
What things tempt you from getting in the word daily?