Every few months I find it hard to sleep. I toss and turn through the night, checking the clock to see if it is time yet. I’m anxious with anticipation. Why all the excitement you ask? Well, I’m looking forward to taking my temperature. Yep, it is exciting stuff.
You see for the past 2 years we have struggled with secondary infertility. Secondary infertility is the inability to conceive or maintain a pregnancy after having successfully done so before. So, every few months I find it hard to sleep because I want to see if my temperature stays up past my luteal phase, an early sign of pregnancy. As the day gets closer, the harder it is for me to sleep. The more I look forward to waking up to discover if this is our time. Wondering, “Will this be the month that we are blessed with another baby?”
But this post isn’t about infertility, it is about a conviction. My conviction. While in church, my mind began to wonder and something said brought me to my mornings. It made my heart sink. I began hearing questions in my head from a familiar voice.
“You don’t toss and turn because of Me. You’re not anxious with anticipation to be with Me in the morning. You don’t look forward to getting into My word. In fact, you dread waking up other days of the month. You rather just sleep in.”
Ouch.
His words hurt because they were true. All of them. And it leads me to the ask the question, “Why?”
- Why am I not so anxious to be with my Savior, who gave His life to be with me for eternity, that it wakes me up in the morning with anticipation?
- Why am I not looking forward to waking up to listen and see what He wants to share with me? (Because when I do, I’m always amazed by what He is teaching me.)
- Why am I not full of excitement to wake up and greet the One who never gave up on me, who stood by my side, who meticulously planted seeds in my life, so that I would one day know His great love?
- Why?
God has sure left me with a lot to think about and to improve upon. But I am so gracious that my inconsistencies and selfishness doesn’t keep my God from loving me.
What things tempt you from getting in the word daily?
Lately I have been spending way too much time researching and reading about Autism after my son's diagnosis. My bible got dusty and I felt convicted as well, to not put anything above my Father, not knowledge, not even my children. I am struggling still to find that balance...
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing Mandie. Finding the balance is very hard for me as well. I appreciate God's convictions. They help me re-focus on what is really important.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your struggles. It took us 1 cycle to get pregnant with Maddie and then 15 cycles to get pregnant with this little guy. I became OBSESSED with my thermometer, Fertility Friend, OPKs and everything that goes with the process. I remember feeling so defeated and one Sunday at church, the worship team was playing a song about being restless and how one can never rest until he/she rests in HIM. It really was a lightbulb moment for me. I had to stop being so restless and enjoy the blessings in my life, constantly waiting on HIS timing. The month that I put down the thermometer (my husband hated my temping) was actually the month we conceived.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, you're in my thoughts and prayers. I struggle with just READING the Bible, which is why (I suppose) I constantly keep myself active in our Bible study small group. Ha!
-Jill
Wow, I really needed to read this tonight. We are also trying to expand our family, and I am getting quite "obsessed" with upcoming fertile days, if i will become pregnant.. etc, etc.. I should be focusing my attention & heart on Him, and getting into my Bible! I am terrible at reading my Bible, and I desperately need to just dive in! Thanks you so much for your post.. and good luck with making your family bigger! :)
ReplyDeleteThis Sunday our Sunday School discussion brought this up. Our teacher mentioned he was reading a book about George Mueller (sorry if I am misspelling his name, I am not sure). Mueller read through the Bible an average of 4x every year toward the end of his life. I am amazed and inspired by that to do more. He had an incredible faith and prayer life too. I do know the more consistent I am the more I desire it, but getting off track still seems to happen.
ReplyDeleteThanks Theresa. Praying that God blesses you and your family with a new member.
ReplyDeleteSo funny. I was used FF too! Now I just use a free app on my phone. We are completely trusted in God and know that when the timing is His we will be bless with another baby or babies. Thanks for your sharing and your prayers.
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